It’s certainly true that some days are harder than others; It’s also true that life seems to speed up the older you get.
Earlier this week we had to say good bye to a beloved family pet.
Mittens was a cat like no other. Now I know people often say “it’s just an animal, why are you so upset?”, but to us she was more than just an animal. She was our friend, our bit of joy at the end of a hard day, she gave us comfort when we were sad, she did silly things that made us laugh, she was the boss of the house, she was always there in the corner of the room somewhere, lurking.
She would have turned fifteen in May this year and therefore has been around most of the kids lives. The house now feels empty, her absence is felt keenly, and I think it will take a bit of time for the sense of loss to lessen.
When my son was little and we first got her, I caught him praying to God to let Mittens love him best. My son is now 20 years old, a grown man. Yet saying good bye to Mittens reduced him to being my little boy again.
Time goes by so fast
In some ways it feels like fourteen years is a life time ago, until I realise that 2018 was six years ago!!
What the actual f*ck???
In another ten years I’ll be in my mid fifties, my body already feels like it is giving up on me, and I know that if I blink I’ll be half way there!!!
At this point in the week (Friday morning), when I’ve been looking at incomprehensible code, questioning why I feel the need to do a PhD, the cat’s dead, the car is in the garage, my bank account looks like a dried up water hole in the desert, and my brain is screaming at me to make it stop, it would be easy to say f*ck everything and just go and hide in a corner somewhere.
There was a point in time when I would have done just that.
A day like today when I’m not quite feeling it would mean I would be planning to start drinking as soon as I got home to take the physical pain and the mental humdrum boringness of life away.
I have wasted so much of my life hiding away, trying to make toxic relationships work, and focusing on the wrong people in my life.
Well, not anymore!!
Yes we lost Mittens; yes I lost my uni card the other day and had to stand in the rain for half an hour; yes my brain in hurting from trying to understand stuff that I don’t find easy to understand; yes the world feels like a sh*t and scary place right now, but I AM ALIVE!!
I am able to see spring bulbs starting to poke through the ground, I can look at the beauty in nature, I’ve been given an amazing opportunity to pursue my interests, and I am truly grateful.
Loss is hard, learning to let go of things that are outside our control is hard. I have learned to use adversity to take stock of my life, my aims, and my achievements. The realisation that life is incredibly short becomes more obvious, and leads me to want to make the most of it.
This is a year of change for me. This is the year I finish formal education after returning to learning 13 years ago. I left school at 16 and had my first child before I turned 17. Never in my wildest dreams did I think at that time that I would be where I am today. It’s not been an easy journey for me, and I’m still dealing with the ghosts of the past, but I’m starting to see glimpses of the real me emerging; it’s scary and beautiful all at the same time.
If I could offer any advice it would be to never give up!!
I’ve had days where I’ve wanted to stay in bed and hide from everyone and everything, but I would somehow drag myself out of my pit of despair and drive the kids to school, sometimes through tears, just going through the process of getting the things done that needed to be done. I stopped enjoying cooking, making my home a home, I didn’t want to be home, I didn’t want to be me.
Today things are better, not perfect but ok and I’ll take that. I’m enjoying my home again, I baked a cake this week, I don’t crave alcohol to take the pain away, I’m getting to know me , and I’m alright you know!!
If you resonate with anything I’ve mentioned feel free to leave a comment. It’s so important for people to realise they’re not alone with these feelings. Let’s talk about mental health, let’s talk about addiction, let’s talk about being a mum, let’s talk about finding ourselves and finding how to help each other love life again!!
Let’s dance in the rain like no one is watching!!!!