Life is hard, gritty, and painful, yet so full of beauty!!

There have been times in my life when I wanted to just give up. Everything felt so flipping hard and painful.

In 2020 life changed for us all. Lock downs were tough and we’re all still reovering and adjusting to a new world. Add to that war, political discontent, and the cost of living crisis and it’s really hard to see the beauty in the world.

Just after lock down was eased in 2020, my family and I were made homeless as the house we were living in was dangerously unsafe. I had four kids, my mum, and numerous animals to home and look after. I was also in my first year of recovery from alcoholism.

The day the electrician came to fix the shower was the day everything changed for us. The electrics were f*cked and we couldn’t go back to the house to stay. I went into a kind of daze. I didn’t want to deal with this sh*t! I didn’t want to be a grown up any more.

Somehow I managed to secure us temporary accommodation. We were put up in a B&B, I shared with my 18 year old, my 12 year old had to share with my mum, and my son got a room to himself. My eldest daughter was finally able to go back home after the lock down. This wasn’t ideal, we had no means to cook, we had to share beds, we had no room for our stuff. We were trying to work, empty the house, and look for somewhere to live.

There were days where I didn’t want to live this life anymore, I’d had enough of always struggling, of getting over one hurdle to find another, bigger hurdle in my way. I cried quietly on my own when no one was looking. I had to be strong for my mum and my kids, but I didn’t feel strong.

There were days when jumping off the pier into the Menai Strait seemed like the preferable option, even though I knew it wasn’t an option at all.

During this time there were a few things that kept me going. Getting outside was one of them. We had no personal space so getting out for a walk was the best way to get that space that was so desperately needed. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family dearly, but when you’re all living on top of on another things can get rough.

I have to say at this point that in testimony to our family relationship we all survived and I can’t remember a time where we fell out. We recognised that this was difficult for all of us. I know my son got pissed off at my feable attempts to get them all to see this as some sort of great adventure. The words “If you say this is an adventure one more time Mum I’m going to hit you” may have crossed his lips; we can laugh about it all now.

One morning I woke up around 3am and couldn’t get back to sleep. There was no where I could go to get a cup of tea without waking my daughter up. I lay in bed feeling worse and worse. I couldn’t work out how I was going to get us out of this situation. We had been in the B&B for a month or so at this point and there wasn’t any sign of us finding somewhere to live. My youngest was going back to school, his second year of high school. He’d only done one term of the first year before lockdown hit, and now he had to navigate it whilst homeless.

I found my anxiety ramping up as I lay there in bed. I felt angry at the world, let down by the council, and powerless over everything that was happening to us. I had to get out, I couldn’t lie there anymore. I wanted to run away and not deal with this crap any more. I decided to go for a drive. I remembered that there was a 24 hr garage that served coffee, so I picked up a coffee and drove to a near by town, got out of the car and walked along the sea front. I cried at the unfairness, at the difficulty, and beat myself up for not protecting all the people I’m meant to protect. I felt like a failure.

As I walked, and thought, and cried, the feelings of despair started to dissipate and I began noticing the world around me. The sun was rising, the birds were waking up, and then I spotted a little snail going on his way. I watched the snail for some time, I named him Gary. I noticed the pattern on his shell, the way he moved, his little antenna eye thingys (they probably have a name), and gradually I felt calmer.

I bid Gary farewell and wished him a good day ahead and started to walk back to my car. Somehow in the midst of the storm I was in I managed to see the beauty in the world. I let my emotions out, gathered myself together, and headed back to the B&B.

We were homeless from June 2020 until May 2021. We moved from the B&B to another temporary accommodation, and eventually found a permanent home which we have been in since. There are lots of funny stories from that time, but there is not space here to share them, I will save them for that book I’ve been saying I’m going to write for years!!

When I look at posts in January that are full of “New Year, New Me!’ or “This year will be my year!”. I can honestly say that I don’t connect with them anymore. I learned many years ago to not state how the coming year was going to be the best yet. Experience had shown me that whenever I thought things couldn’t get worse, they probably would! 

Talking with a friend, I commented on how I was struggling as a coach to market myself. I had read different blogs on marketing, signed up for short courses, watched videos, looked at what other coaches were doing, and yes, on the face of things it seemed simple. Just write some fluffy positive posts, schedule them regularly and Bob’s your uncle, the clients will come rolling in……….. 

There was only one problem….. This isn’t me!

After spending many years in relationships where I had lost my sense of self, I reached a place where I swore that this is something that will not happen again. Yet I felt myself falling for it again, this need to present myself to the world as the world expects me to be rather than who I am. I felt stuck, like I was being held in some sort of limbo; I didn’t want to misrepresent myself, but also felt that who I am isn’t good enough.

It’s funny because I have spent a lot of time trying to teach my kids that if they can stop worrying about what other people think of them they will feel free; yet here I was letting myself be held back by invisible chains!! The world wants to see all the positive, happy, I will fix you and make your life complete sh*t! But life is not like that, life is f*cking hard, its gritty, it’s messy. I will never tell you that it will get easier because I’ve seen people experience tragedy after tragedy, loss after loss. What I will tell you is that it is possible to survive the dark times, there will be reprieves, and it is possible to find joy amongst all the crap that life throws at us. It is OK to laugh in the depths of darkness, that it is ok to be sad or angry when sh*t hits the fan.

It has taken me years to get to where I am today. From the age of 15, parts of who I am were eroded by the experiences I endured. Some experiences added new bits to me, some took elements away. I lost who I was as a person. I had become a role invented by society and enforced by my relationships. I will always be a work in progress, I will never be perfect, and I’m OK with that.

So here I am, this is me with all my faults, imperfections, and fabulousness. Today I am rebuilding Ruth, brick by brick with the help of my coach and my friends. I know I am doing my best and that’s all we can ask of ourselves. I am proud of how far I have come and hope to help others along the way.