So, the other day I kind of committed to start writing. With the help of a friend, we came up with the idea of “Joyful Shit” because no matter what shit life throws at me, I generally manage to find the humour in any given situation. I often feel like there is some kind of physical block that prevents me from getting on with the process of writing and I’m not sure where that comes from. Is it fear? But fear of what? Is it because it feels like I’m being selfish, that writing is something I really want to do and therefore I shouldn’t be doing it? Is it perfectionism, of wanting it to be perfect but knowing that there is a process to get to that point that means it will be shit at first? I still don’t know. So, I figured the best way to get started is to just get to it with no goal in mind, no agender, no preconceived ideas about what I’ll write about. Just write whatever comes into my head and see if it makes any sense. Maybe someone would want to read it, maybe they won’t, maybe I won’t want people to read it, and maybe I will. The focus is just about getting words on the page and seeing what emerges. So here I am sitting in my garden writing.
I have had a busy few days and I’m feeling tired now. The last few weeks have been heavy emotionally and I have a lot of stuff I need to work through in my mind. The other day I was sat thinking over the events of the past few weeks and realised it’s been 30 years since I met my first husband, yes 30 years!! It kind of freaked me out a bit. I’ve noticed over the last few years that time seems to be constantly speeding up. People always used tell me that would happen as I got older, but I kind thought they were talking shit. It turns out they were right, who’d have thought it??
In the last 30 years I have had 5 children, recovered from two abusive relationships, dealt with events that have rocked my world and torn families apart, returned to education and got a degree, learned to drive, got a master’s degree, gave up drinking alcohol, embarked on a PhD, battled mental health problems, struggled with my weight, broken my hip, been homeless, dealt with loss on multiple levels, and a whole host of other things that I can’t think of right now. I’ve made plenty of mistakes in my life, some of which have cost me dearly. I’ve done a lot of self-reflection and whilst I can’t go back and undo mistakes I’ve made, I try to learn from them and be a better version of me every day.
One thing I have learned is that life isn’t easy, I don’t think it’s necessarily meant to be easy, but there are highs as well as lows and it is possible to be happy and sad at the same time. Even in the darkest of moments there are little rays of light waiting to break through. Sometimes we need to be patient and wait for them to materialise, sometimes we have to put some effort in to break through the darkness. I wholeheartedly believe laughter is the best medicine, well sometimes a little something from the GP may be in order to help, but that’s ok. We weren’t meant to deal with all the shit life throws at us on our own, we need to ask for help, to be vulnerable, to trust. Yes, sometimes we will come across people who absolutely shatter our ability to trust again, but they are one person and there are more good people out there. We don’t have to allow the actions of others to define who we are as a person.
So, this is me, an imperfect human being who has made lots of mistakes and learned lots of lessons. I’m still a work in progress, as they say, and I guess I always will be. I don’t aim for perfection (well not intentionally) I just aim to be the best version of me that I can be, some days that will be awesome and I’ll be a productivity wizard, other days it means I’ve got out of bed and got the teenager to school. I hope by writing a regular blog it will help me to clarify things in my mind and help me to keep striving to find the good in life. Right now, I can hear the birds singing, the sun is out, I have food and shelter. I am safe. I also hope that my writing will help other people dealing with the traumas of life not feel quite so alone. There have been many times I have felt so alone, even though there have been people around for me, I didn’t reach out. I felt I couldn’t show the vulnerable part of me, I couldn’t admit to getting things wrong. Whatever shit you are going through right now I hope you can find that little bit of joy that keeps you going for another day!
